Sentiments, Rage, Happiness, Jealousy

Soaring to WHO i want to be

2008-01-17T02:05:00.001+11:00

Who am i? That is the age old question pondered upon by earth's greatest sages.

We are what others make us out to be. Yet, we are what we choose. Who we are comes in a form of a tree bark. We all start from the same state, until we are presented with undulating branches of choice. We choose one branch; that branch grows into another set of undulating branches of choice. We make another choice...and so on. We seemingly have all the power in the world to choose what we want to be. But at the same time, we have external circumstances (The SUN) affecting the DIRECTION in which the branches grow. And then, there is the WINTER which stops growth, thus leaving us without any choice at times.

We are trapped, suffocated, and claustrophobic. Our minds spin like windmills, as we try to be "NORMAL" in society. We gladly accept being placed in a dark tunnel. We try to run as fast as we can, hoping the light at the end gets bigger. But no, the light never gets bigger. It becomes an illusion, a hope, an excuse to justify our never-ending struggle. We fail to sit down and appreciate. To appreciate the simplest things in life...

Looking around me, then into a mirror, this is who I think i am. Or rather, this is who I KNOW I am...

I am not a writer, I am not an artist. These are strong passions within me that i could make a career out of. But my career doesn't define who I am. My career will NOT define who I am. In the words of an unknown novelist: Would my career mean anything if I get cancer the next day? A perfect resume is for someone who needs some light while trapped in darkness. But for me, I try to perfect not a resume for work, but a resume for LIFE. This is who I am...

Maybe I am a writer, and maybe i am an artist. But I also am a son, I am a brother, and I am a friend. For what am I without my parents? I'd be a lost child, insecure in his lack of confidence. For what am I without my sisters? I'd be stuck in a falsified interpretation of masculinity. For what am I without my friends? I'd be incapable of love, I'd be incapable of trust. I am a live-er of life; I choose to accept the negative, and I choose to confront them too. I choose to break down and have a good cry, and then I choose to stand tall after. I try my best to love and I struggle with the strongholds of anger. I am a wrestler, who wrestles with his emotions, to learn to forgive. I choose to continue to love, despite being heartbroken time and again. Lastly, I am a person, a physical being unique in my own strengths and weaknesses. Take a look at me through a scope and this is what you'll see. This is me...

This is Caleb.

a heart of turmoil

2007-05-19T18:25:00.000+10:00

The joylessness of life concaves in,
What has meaning anymore?
This nagging burden inside of me,
it chews at me mercilessly all in one snap of its jaws.
How temporal the state of human emotions.
Shld i then place my hope in Joy if
all it takes is one split second to dent it?
My heart is zombified, exhausted, wasted,
Yet guilty tt i shld think my issues much worse than others.
The vow i made to you, oh God
is coming to an end as i soon turn 21.
You have taught me much bout love
and now as i prepare my heart to give it,
i still want to submit it to You though!
Shld i only accept the good You have prepared for me?
Am i not able to accept the bad too?
like i said, all it took was one split second
to crush my joy and dampen my soul.
throw in the lack of social contact this week
and pure cognitive exhaustion, Lord how much more can i take?
Everything feels low, shallow
and a thousand needles pierce thru my heart.
But i still want to remain joyful in the midst of my distress
i want to continue to praise You in my sorrow
Set my heart right b4 you, Oh Lord
and leave this thorn in me so i can realise that
Your Grace Is Sufficient For Me.
amen...

burning and fading out...
Cal le buckaroo...sigh

Natalia Barbu - Eurovision 07 contestant

2007-05-16T01:16:00.001+10:00

yea yea, i happened to be watching the Eurovision singing contest. doesnt sound very cool. but hey, whenever there's damn good singing with damn good dancing, i'm a sucker for it.

for a guy who prefers male vocals and hates rock, she must be REALLY DAMN GOOD for me to like her. amazing voice esp when i watched it live. very comparable to evanecense, but i would say evanecense is a litte better. anyway, watch and be amazed

cheers
cal le buckaroo

An overdue tribute

2007-05-15T02:00:00.000+10:00

So now as we end the first half of a new yr, i look back and see all the good things that have come my way. A different yr from last yr, and the yr b4 AND the yr b4. As some may come to know, i was merely existing meaninglessly, then came a thunderous breakthrough, followed by a rocky uphill road of recovery. For i had been hurt beyond recognition, cognitively damaged, souless. Angry at the one who created me uniquely, rejecting this relationship that didnt seem to make sense in any way. wat was love? it was impossible to understand it thru suffering. all i understood was suffering, pain, self-reliance and anger. yet, as i look back at 3 gruelling yrs, all i can and shall proclaim is, 'Glory!' For you have said, "Shhh, hush my child, My grace is sufficient for you."

looking back, everything now starts to make sense. for without suffering, compassion would be meaningless. for without pain, empathy would hold no substance. for without egoism, humility cant be appreciated. for without the bitterness of anger, love would NEVER taste as sweet.

'fallacy' would be to denounce all this yr's blessing as coincidence. For it's paradoxical that coincidence shld happen so often. From a spiritual rejuvenation from OCF orientation, to providence of shelter while homeless for 1 month, to being provided with a fantastic permanent place 1 month later, to being blessed with Vinh as a hsemate(truly!), to being challenged to love others, to have LEARNT ways to express love, to be given solid opportunities in dance, acting, singing and keyboards as acts of service (all of which my passion lies), and most impt, to have rediscovered the yearning for solid bible teaching.

my spirit lies at ease, with joy that overfloweth. and a heart the dances ever so freely with each pirouette or jetes. the memories of the past 3 yrs would remain in me forever, not as hurt that taints ones' spiritual window, but as a testimony that would make the weak say their strong, and the poor say their rich. as a reminder of His goodness to me, for His strength can only be PERFECT in my weakness. And for the first time in my life, the hymn 'AMAZING GRACE' truly made sense to me.

psalm 29--- For God, your voice had twisted me and striped me bare! And in reverence and humility, i cry 'GLORY'!

Cal le buckaroo

the wonders of retail therapy

2007-04-28T01:19:00.000+10:00

Today was such a beautiful day. the weather cool, the clouds calm, the breeze flowing against my face...everything was perfect. wat better way to rejoice in it than by retail teraphying with my new-found best shopping buddy, Vee??? went to chadstone (first time in my life, i'm deprived, i noe). have shopped for any clothes since last june (deprived, i noe). so when i reachd the shopping centre, i jus couldnt help gleaming! ahhhhhh..i wanna go again. Thanks to vee, i've stopped gg to shopes like country rd, esprit, fcuk and all those capitalistic-based over-priced shops. MAN!!! nv tot i'd have bought so much with spending jus under $200.!!!

hello leng lui...can i be ur fren?

EH, WAT???? u talking to me ah?

Wah!!! so fierce...

ok la...i'll try to be nice

(dun u jus love this pic? cant help laughing everytime i look at it)

yea yea...we were cam-whoring for a bit too (come on!! who doesnt?) tt was when we were at Nandos...my virgin experience (yea yea...i'm one poor deprived child, i noe!) gotta admit. the lemon herb chicken was pretty well marinated. i was expecting lousy chips and badly defrosted chicken, but was pleasantly surprised. anyway...these are the catch of the day

new shirt...new sweater... new scarf

vee chose the colour of the dark blue shirt, argued over the white one...

argued over the yellow one (we argued alot..heh heh), the long sleeve was a handsdown. unanimous decision!!!

was convinced to get a size 28 (WTH!!!!!) i'm usually a size 30, but 28 did fit me better though.

And of cos, at the end of the day, MORE cam-whoring in the bus...

tt ended a really fantastic day. of cos, next came OCF meeting at the Cross Culture COC convention talk. Micheal Raither is by far the best theological speaker i've heard in my life. sermons are very sound (ppl close to me know how conservative and discerning whenever i hear new speakers speak.) he spoke last sunday and was in awe of his loyalty to the bible. so was definitely lookikng forward to it again today and was not disappointed. will be gg for his talk bout this best-seller book he wrote tml and of cos both his sermons at 1115am and 6pm on sunday. so, it's really gonna be a good weekend ahead. choir prac tml as well as Amabel's 2nd Bdae (the non-surprise one) at nite. ahH!!!! been blessed with such wonderfully diversed frens this yr. Lord has been really good since i decided tt my old ways had to change. kkz then. havent put so much effort into my blog for ages...hope this keeps u guys happy (for the time being..heh heh)

Woohoo!!!
cal le buckaroo

ps: Mandi, sorry...our planned shopping trip would have to wait then. heh heh. we'll definitely do it when u come to SG during the winter yea???

save the last dance...

2007-04-14T17:22:00.000+10:00

Sometimes i wonder if everything is in my own hands
Lord, what have u in store for me, to dance or not to dance?
The disappointments in life are sometimes hard to bear
When expectations that are met are either over there, or NOWHERE!
Am I able to improve with what I have now?
Am i able to try?
Or should I care not a heck, and continue living this lie?
The encouragements I have received are far and beyond,
But when it came to when it mattered, they were all gone.
I kinda wish the souls around me were better with ears,
Many times i've stoned in bed, laying bare my tears.
But who ever hears, and who ever notices?
The nostalgic bonds i have made from last year,
Some are now stale, a number now in SHATTERS!
OH WHY! Why this change in me this year?
My stronger PASSION for dance doesnt seem to bring me closer.
Could it be genre? Could it be style?
And also, have I been dancing awfully all this while?
The question remains on where my heart lies:

It's the heart, afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream, afraid of waking
That never takes the chance
It's the one, who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give.
And it's the soul, afraid of dying
That never learns to live...

And as I end of these poetic lines,
A tear trickles from my eye.
Guide me Lord, oh Guide me
To dance or not to dance...

sigh...
cal le buckaroo...

F*** IT!!! it's no use explaining!!!

2007-01-26T02:31:00.000+11:00

wat the hell is wrong with the two of u??? ever since i joined dance, i had NV heard a word of approval from the two of u. sure, during family gatherings, u always tell relatives how i'm so involved in dance and stuff...but it's a freaking hell of a diff story during conversations back home!

jus how many times do the 2 of u have to associate homosexuality with dance? how many times do u have to bring it up almost immediately after i bring dance in our conversations? how many time do u need to keep denying tt u associate homosexuality with dance? i'm bloody pissed bout it and this has REALLY gotta STOP!!! F*** IT...

i was jus trying to build on our conversation in the car, so i decided to share bout my dance class yest. and i told u guys tt the choreographer told me tt i shld stretch more to improve my flexibility. and pretty much similar to the last dance conversation in the car, dad, u said, "aiya, dun need to be too flexible la. cos when u're too flexible, u'll start to walk a bit sissy-ish".

tt was when i decided to tell the two of u how it really hurts me when u quickly talk bout homosexualism everytime i talk about dance. and tt it is a major conversation killer. i mean, wat's the freaking connection btwn flexibility and walking sissy-ish??? then the 2 of u got really defensive and started trying to convince me tt u jus mentioned NOTHING bout homosexualism...trying to convince me tt wat u really meant was being flexible would make one walk more femininely and less masculinely. i argued tt gymnasts, IN NO WAY, walk in a feminine manner. then u said tt "gymnasts are totally different". i argued back "but u JUST associated flexibility with being sissy!!!" and when u argued back "no, i did not associate flexibility with being sissy" (pls refer to previous paragraph, last line.)WTH!!! the whole argument last bout 3 mins in the car.

it was obvious my parents were caught contradicting their own words, but did not want to accept the fact they were wrong. jus like u understand tt homosexuality is a lifestyle, NOT an action, but in my case, u're willing to make an exception. i starting tearing up after the conversation cos i was very deeply hurt by their unncessary connotative comments. it jus hurt so badly...and i felt it really ironic cos dad and i were talking to my uncle and my cousin bout dance. my uncle aunt and cousin go for salsa classes and stuff, so we were talking bout dance. and the way dad was involved in the conversation seemed as if he had grown to accept dance. but now, i'm jus really disappointed in him....

sigh
cal le buckaroo

jus RADO and me.

2007-01-20T03:39:00.000+11:00

HEY PPL!!!

it's been such a great day today. ahhaha, well...was boring initially, jum bumming ard at home all day. then at night, went with mom and dad to vivo to buy me an advance 21st BDAE PRESENT!!! a simply gorgeous RADO watch. when i saw the rado ad on tv many many months ago, i knew tt was the kind of watch i wanted to have. was gonna look for a tag huer initially (family tradition), but couldnt find a *WOW* factor. plus i didnt want to buy a watch i didnt really like jus for the sake of buying one. so proud of my buy. elegant, classy and stylish!!!

so happy..ahhhhhh,
cal le buckaroo!!!

.....

2007-01-12T02:43:00.000+11:00

ahhh...feeling a lot better now. guess i really needed some place to jus blurt it all out!

but had my freaking wisdom tooth extracted out man this afternoon man. wat's worse, i'm allergic to painkillers, so i jus have to bear with the pain. have been having really sharp headaches, damn annoying la!!! the surgery for jus one tooth took 1hr 15min already. very stubborn tooth, dentist had a tough time. cant talk much for now, hungry, but unable to eat much (living off milo atm) and i forsee a bad fever tml..( common symptom after extraction)...sheesh. can it get any worse?

ouch...
cal le buckaroo

everything's ALL F-ED UP!!!

2007-01-11T02:15:00.000+11:00

havent been blogging for like the longest time ever, but dun expect this to be some ya-ya update. jus bloody pissed with a lot of things right now, where else to let it all out????

AARARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

TT bloody stupid idiot sister of mine, ms debbie "devil" low, has been freaking taking the PISS!!! first night, took my aircon control without asking and returning...nv mind. 2nd night, took my aircon control without asking and returning, nv mind... next afternoon, she took my aircon control without asking and returning. so as we were bout to leave for grandma's house for dinner, i knocked on her door to ask for it back cos i needed to turn off my aircon. of cos i was upset tt she had kept on taking it despite me telling her to put it back the first two times. i became pissed this time, but still told her in a rather patient voice," hey, can u PLS return it after u use it or not???" then she got the fucking bloody nerve to retort under her breath, "as if u're any better (or smth along tt lines)". WTFFFFFFFFFF!!!!! how dare she take my stuff, be NOT apologetic and piss dare to retort??as i stormed back into my room, i shouted, " Dun be such an ASS!!!" and she still got the nerve to shout back, "oi! can u stop saying tt? it's bloody rude ok???" erm... excuse me, u? telling me i'm rude? then we got into a big argument in front of mom and dad (but they did nothing..) and she ended up crying and told mom and dad tt's she not gg for dinner at grandma's anymore. it felt damn good when dad told her firmly tt she WAS still gg to grandma's.

this bloody sister of mine has been running me down since i was 10+ till now. jus kept snapping at me, belittling me. wateva i did was wrong in her eyes. it really HINDERED my maturity a lot. i didnt argue back, i didnt noe how to...there i was, a young kid always trying to play into her good books, but she always treated me like SHIT, as if she hated my presence. have nv been close to her in my life. Thank God for dai kah jie!!! her love for me really lifted me up. debbie low, if YOU are reading this, i'm warning you!!! i'm not tt little kid who needs ur approval anymore. i'm not the little kid to be pushed ard. i'm not the little kid who allowed himself to be belittled anymore. if you dare cross the line like u did 2 mondays ago, i WILL strike back till u cry again. i'm 21 this yr already and i'm big enuf to stand up for myself. no longer will i shout back cos i'm angry, i'll play the psychhological game with u. YOU'D better get used to this! it's for ur own DAMN good. YOU HEAR TT?????

(we have not been talking since tt incident 2 mondays ago. not like i care anyway!)

parents have hurt me REAL deep the past week too. it's like, they really disapprove my involvement in dance. it's become a big part of my life now and it's an area i really want to improve in as a life skill. but everytime i bring up dance to build up our conversations, u always have to bring in the gay issue?? u really think i'd turn gay isiT?? and it's such a major conversation killer! mom, it really hurt me when u very directly implied tt to me. i so very wanted to shout in ur face when u said tt, but by the grace of God, i controlled myself. u even randomly qouted the bible saying, "it's those who think themselves strong tt will be the first to fall." mom, how dare u even think of the idea tt ur son will turn gay jus cos he dances? i'm doin jazz, although the moves may seem a bit feminine to a person who doesnt appreciate it, it's a historical artform and it's part of the style of dance. i dun move like tt becos i'm gay, i move like tt cos tt's how the style has developed over centuries! so why are u teaching? there are many homosexuals in education nowadays. dad, why are u playing golf? homosexuals play golf too! if u think wat i jus said was outta context, tt's EXACTLY how i feel too. and dad, i really am not pleased how you responded when i was sharing my day at dance class, while in the car with you. i jus said tt the dance instructor was called 'caleb' too, then u had to immediately answer (whether jokingly or not)," um hmm...i bet he's gay". i really felt like crying. DAD!!! it's more likely that he's a CHRISTIAN. how can u make random comments like tt??? homosexuality is NOT an action. it's a LIFESTYLE!!! i'm sure u know tt too. but u dun want to admit it in front of me so tt it'll support ur stand tt u think i'll turn gay! y so hypocritical?

i'm really really close to tears as i continue writing this post...wat is my family coming too? i jus feel tt i've no one to turn too anymore...really hope to get back to melb real soon. tt's where all my real frens are...ppl who understand

sigh...
cal le buckaroo.....

i believe i can fly-mtv2

2006-11-25T20:46:00.001+11:00

hahaa...and this is our take-2 version. it has the complete chorus this time cos as u saw, stupid joel lee pushed down sarah on blades, so we had to stop. hahaha. damn hilarious. this time, it's courtesy of jessie, belle and i. (it's also laggy...sigh!)

'i believe i can fly' mtv at Yarra Valley

2006-11-25T20:43:00.001+11:00

today was a fantabulous day. spent the whole morn having a bbq by Yarra Valley with the ISMers for chor ing's farewell...though she only came jus when we were bout to leave. here's a damn funny video of jessie and i doing a "I Believe I Can Fly' MTV. hahaha. we were bored, bored but creative... (the vid is kinda laggy though. it's ok on my com, but when i uploaded it on youtube, the visuals and audios didnt go in sync..)

ENOUGH WITH THE ACCENTS!

2006-11-19T02:23:00.000+11:00

today a costumer and one of the boss's fren's asked if i was filipino...then they agreed tt my accent was american. then another group of customers tot i was half ITALIAN (though i tot tt was pretty cool. heh heh...)

random tots

2006-11-17T03:10:00.001+11:00

cute new aussie waitress has a boyfriend....

a non-chalant
Cal le buckaroo

life is GOOD!

2006-11-16T00:26:00.000+11:00

Y'all!!! good to be back in the blogging scene once again (after constant bugging from bubz and vicky...) although pissed bout the 15-day gap btwn my two exams, i'm glad tt i've had so much to do man. but yea, initially, i had to go to the lib to study cos i was TOO BORED at home. think my mom will laugh to stitches when she sees this. but yea, tue was jus beautiful man. had a good discounted lunch with my fren, then played soccer with colleagues, then squash with rani (tt bastard smashed my LEFT BREAST this time. DAMN!-pls refer to the post right at the bottom). then at night, hung out with my colleagues again, had a couple of drinks at jamie's place, then went of to the irish pub. u see, the good thing bout being asian is tt aussies all noe we cant hold our liqour. haha, and jamie and tristan were so determined i got drunk tt night. and thus they bought me drinks. gotta admit, i was pretty tipsy, but hey...drinks were free for me man. these things only happen to gals back in SG! cheers guys!

today, started my day off slow. no rush, cos work starts at 430pm. more than enuf time to shake off my minor hangover. work was actually pretty easy man. haven't had such an easy day for ages. plus, there was a cute new aussie waitress today (muahahahaa!). there was no rush at all, everything was under control...quite a number of customers complimented me on my service (ok...head getting bigger) and tt bloody italian chef didnt spoil my day (trust me, he did TRY! to hell with him LAR!). oh, here's one of my conversations with a bourgeois customer:

(after i took their order-the table had ELEVEN ppl)
BC: yep, tt's alrite mate. so wat's ur name? dont want to call you 'waiter'.

me: oh, it's Caleb

BC: Callum?

me: nup, it's Caleb. C-A-L-E-B

BC: OH!!! tt's rite, u must be a christian. anyway, i'm Bob and this is my wife Amanda. we made a little wager. i said tt you are an aussie.

Me: hahahaha.....ahhh, sorry man! you lost the bet.

BC: Oh really? how long have you been here then?

Me: this is my 2nd yr here! did 1 yr of college 3 yrs back, did army for 2 yrs and here i am back for my 1st yr of uni. say, wat did Amanda bet on?

BC: Oh, she bet tt u were born in America.................
(*_*')

ahahaha, man! tt was really amusing! so far, ppl have asked if i was local, american, and even IRISH!!?!?!?!?!? but man, do i really sound like those annoying DJs on 98.7FM??? but i'm usually fluent in singlish among my asian fren...come to think of it, Jel tot i was local too...sheesh.

so yea, tt capped another good night and looking forward to tml. oh yah, for the first time in my working life, i got $$$19 in tips man. and it was NOWHERE near busy. how cool is tt? well, jus glad today has started off well since i working thur, fri and sat too! so yea, confidence is way up...(plus tt new waitress was talking to me quite a bit too...telling me tt she's scared of tt bloody italian chef in the sweetest way possible-ahhh, heart melts..) hahahaha

all smiles,
cal le buckaroo

2006-10-21T17:42:00.000+10:00

Re: Mee Siam Mai Hum Mayhem (updated ver.)

here's at least smth to cheer some ppl up!

cal le buckaroo

feeling all messed up! dammit

2006-10-21T01:34:00.001+10:00

tonight was just an awful night. jus when u tot u had it rite, jus when u know every step counts, jus when u know 20frens in the audience have paid good money to watch a performance...i had to stuff up!!! TWICE! i was so pissed with myself i actually had resorted to using the Fs again. dammit. y did it have to happen on a FRIDAY? didnt everything go smoothly on thur? was it the cameras? or pressure cos most of my frens came to watch? and it wasnt jus me. it happened to a lot of ppl. a lot of us were jus stoned after the performace and a number of us cried. now when ppl are gonna see the dvd, it's gg to be this shitty performance tt shows. the least i could do is the strive harder for tml, but no way it can make up for the permanent damage done tonight. i'm so sorry flare!!

it was also a really rough week. full of anger and hatred. was burning inside me and i hated it when i wasnt allowed to let the anger outta my system. i'm one who hardly ever gets angry, but when i do, i get awfully fierce. well, i learnt nv to be too trusting to some ppl. they jus dun deserve ur trust and need to be treated like kids. although i've forgiven a number of ppl this week, damage's still done, n tt takes time to deal with. but a good lesson learnt.

n now with my back like tt, i wonder how long more it takes b4 it finally snaps. with the sudden bursts of muscle spasms, like wat i'm experiencing now, it's getting hard to do lifts or poses with awkward lines. let's jus hope the disc doesnt protrude out any further than it shld. but i guess this is part of the life of a dancer. cant have one without the other.

two nites gone,
one more to go,
lessons learnt from mistakes made.
trying hard to pick me up,
after curtains closed and lights had fade.

...flaredance, hoooohaaaaah....sigh

a frustrated,
caleb le buckaroo...

pre-production party and a LOOOOONNNNNGGGG weekend

2006-10-01T23:04:00.000+10:00

it was a really long weekend...(did i mention tiring too?). but it was FUN FUN FUN!!! loved Flare Pre-Production Party!!! honestly, how would life be w/out flare??? finally got a chance as well as a reason to dress up smart and prim..ahahhaaa, had to lengthen my suit and buy a dry-clean-only formal pants for it. but it was all worth. shopping IS necessary after all!!! was really great seeing everyone looking beautiful (or MORE beautiful...have to becareful with my choice of words) and of cos, dashing too. food was good, but really pathetic portions, waiters were definitely gay and the wines were terrible. but hey, it's e communion of the flare-family tt counts, yea? here r some of the better pics i took.

this is definitely my favourite one (my dance partner too!!!)

Jel...looking as elegant as ever! this is her fav pic too...YAY!! too bad 'someone' had to lamp post btwn us!!! i'll get u for this junni!

hahaa, we look like we jus came from work. we're all gonna miss u cindy! Happy Bdae too

Dun mess bout, UNCLE MAFIAS are ard! YO...!

in the words of Joey from FRIENDS, "Hey, how you doo-ing?"

Anyway, think the trio of Suz, Aaron and XY deserve all praise esp thru their crazy schedules in planning this. u guys nv fail to disappoint! THANKS HEAPS GUYS!!!

of cos, drama awaits in the day ahead. had yum cha with vicky, ty and gang on sat. finally had the chance to meet them. so rare to find a same free slot in our schedules man. anyway, ltr i was gg to join chor ing's cell tt sat but was at max breners with ty and vicky first. then we got a phone call from chor ing saying tt sarah had sliced her finger in a freak accident. we got her to the hospital and man, the cut was deep and BLOODY!!! was really gross. n God noes how much i hate the sight of blood. tendon was sliced, had an operation today and it'll take bout 6 weeks to regain full finger strength and motion. will be praying for u my dear friend. jus bug gayl and hongs for anythin..muahahaa. n today i found out tt another friend fractured his hand for some reason which i dun think i shld say...but operation will be scheduled on wed. man, it really made me think, if i lose temporal motion of one limb, how on earth would i be able to make it for dance production? freak accidents haapen so easily. the tot still scares the hell outta me.

anyway, i've also learnt how funny the feeling of love can play tricks on our emotions!!! been so confused. one can have a nice time out with someone one night, then be ignored for no apparent reason. then when we meet again, we talk as if there was no awkwardness and become playful with each other and laugh together. GOD help me!!! ah well..

oh, and finally today the usual flare gang n i went to watch "step-up"!!! the best acting in a dance movie since centrestage (though centrestage still kicks ass more!!!). the steps were all so cool. nv tot of a ballet/jazz/contemp/hiphop combination b4. of cos, such a great day out had it's downside. the ever-amusing tsih ern was happily talking and laughing and muching on strawberries in the theatres and suz started getting unwelcomed ideas for her piece. pls spare kel, bud and i...ahhaha!!!

okiez...this was a really long blog (tt's y it's in SMALL FONT!!!)
gotta prepare for sch..sigh...

caleb le buckaroo

it's a good thursday

2006-09-28T02:14:00.000+10:00

ahhh!!! such a great day. today during dance, i was waiting for my dance part to start, so i decided tt i'd look cool waiting, and put my hands in my pockets. wat do u noe? i found 10 bucks in my left pocket man. hahaha...God noes how long it's been there already. and of cos, God noes how much i needed tt 10 bucks..ahhaha. oh, n i finally did a sort of proper freeze man!!! experimented with it on monday and suz coincidentally wanted it in her salsa piece too. so it kinda works out. hahaa. man, think my formal pants will rip doin tt man...

finally starting to feel more confident moving about already, but there's still a LOT (seriously) to learn man. but oh well, i've got the time anyway...

Then after prac, the usual flare gang met up with cindy after a long long long time man. she hasnt chaged much cept for her constant use of vulgarities. ahhaah....wat has america done to u? but we all still love u anyhow...after our really late dinner, we went back to Am's place. wanted to surprise cindy with a cake. of cos, i didnt noe it was her bdae and i was tired and have RCH the next day, i told them i was gg home. then ning and ness started throwing me all sorts of hints bout the cake. ahhaha. i conceded, but only when i stepped on the last step to Am's place tt i realised it was her bdae. would have been hilarious had i ignored them and went back straight home too. hahaha. so gong la. ah well, gtg sleep soon...need to wake up early (930am!!! it's hols mah) for RCH performance. love the kids there. pity there's only a few of us gg this time.

caleb le buckaroo

For the beauty of Macedon!!

2006-09-25T22:28:00.000+10:00

man, it's been a really long time since i did smth to this blog. i'm starting to lose the initial thrill of it already, although i did mention tt i still didnt know y i started it in the first place...

anyway, back to the topic of Macedon. i left the huzz and buzz of city life to the secluded suburbs of Macedon. it was a truly gorgeuos and beautiful place man. the people are so darn friendly it's so scary. but come to think of it, they hardly meet other ppl cos they're so secluded. but customer service there is first class. my parents came down for a short break (they really lov me SO MUCH!!!...awww~!) so we decided to go for scenery this time. we stayed in a two room bungalow on TEN ACRES of land!~! how cool is tt?
had all this land to myself. there was just so much space. was exactly wat i needed after nearly suffering a burnout thanks to dance, work and assignments!

this was on a mountain trail called the "Hanging Stone"! beautiful day, beautiful skies, but was quite a walk though. it was jus so calming man. no noise. jus me and nature. sigh, no way i can get it in melb nor sg!!!

err, it's open to artistic interpretation...so wateva makes u happy, yea?

yea yea, i noe i love to pose. but my dad encouraged me too...

heh heh, another one. in the words of the DEAD POETS-
"I CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN TOPS AND SOUND MY BARBARIC YAWP!!!!!"

here i am playing with my neighbour's bitch (literally)...hahhaa, the dog jus wandered over and kept expecting to be stroked. wanted to be alone on the fields with my ipod blasting, but the dog made the experience so much more worth while.

this is a war memorial at the top of Mt Macedon. apparently a great WWII battle was fought here (which sorta reminds me of my history/army days). was a chilly afternoon, cant believe the sun actually came out once i left the area. would have been a beautiful picture with the sun.

had the most beautiful lunch/meal in my life (no exaggeration) at this place called braeside cafe up on Mt Macedon (above). Owned by a 'retired couple'. husband used to pilot for SIA in the 80s. they own a really gorgeous english-styled cottage which they turned into a restuarant with endless garden space. there were ducks, crows, parakeets, parrots in the garden, and kangaroos across the fence. how cool is tt? felt at ease and peaceful at tt restaurant. talked to the owners for a while, even talked to the other customers. one of them noes the owner of correttos...hahaha, the next-door rival of papa ginos. wat a small world. oh, m i an exact replica of dad? millions of ppl have been telling me so...sheesh. ahha

oh, i did realise tt i have been using the word "beautiful" a lot during the whole trip, even in this blog too. heh heh. too much conversations with aussies and italians at work. even after a meal, i'd tell the owner tt it was a gorgeous and beautiful meal, jus like how the aussie customers would tell me the same at papa ginos. hahaha. well, been well recharged from the trip. thanks mom and dad. appreciate it lots. i know there were deeper reasons why u came down, not jus wanting to take a short break for urselves. u nv mentioned it, but i know it...so thanks!!! but now, it's back to reality and with a week of hols left, there's a lot to been done. be it work, dance, squash and the much dreaded....revision. so well, i'll leave it here for the time being....cya round guys.

a fully recharged,
caleb le buckaroo

it was a good thursday

2006-09-08T16:22:00.000+10:00

this terrible week of mine rounded off really well i must say. had no school and no work yest. managed to wake up early to get my work started ( n i do mean solid work!!). guess i'm starting to tone down a bit on flare and concentrate a bit more on studies (..for now).

went for a tango class later on tt night, thanks to Gayl!! started out really funny man. went to the wrong place and got totally lost looking for the right place. so pai seh. to think after all tt army training, still cannot find my way around. n i was running late too. so i managed to hitch a desperate ride. THANK GOD!!! unfortunately, there were 2 dogs in the car (one of them was damn huge man!!!). they were pretty much humping me in the backseat...sounds dodgy, i know. they licked me all over my face and lips..dammit! and my jacket had essence of dog. yep, they messed up my formal jacket! thank God my shirt was spared. dun think Gayl would have wanted to dance with me smelling like tt. hahaha. aiya, i vain mah!!! loved tango man. but very hard for guys. i was pretty much toe-stepping everyone (sorry bout the blistered feet of urs yeah, my poor partner?) :( but yea, it's a beautiful, elegant style of dance. so much more cultured than hip hop/jazz (no offence flarians). it was so sweet watching the older people dance effortlessly and enjoying life as it is. dont think i ever see tt in singapore, cept for old chinese couples in cowboy clothing doing line dancing. SO UNGLAM!!! haha. but seriously, the ambience was beautiful, really peaceful. really had NOTHING work-related in my mind. wouldnt have traded anything for tt experience.

oh, and on the way back in the train, this drunk tramp came up to the both of us and started rambling on bout how a flower is a V*G*NA!!!! i was like, WTH!!!! he was pretty much like adam(*wink wink bud*). quite an awkward experience. sheesh. but putting tt guy aside, thanks for inviting me Gayl, had a wonderful time!!

so tt was pretty much it. so sorry for the previous negative post. tt was really how i was feeling at that point in time. but i guess heading out to the suburbs for a cultured dance, amongst sweet old people who appreciate life, does sooth ones' soul. too bad i work next thur. if not i would really like to go down again! will try not to use the f-word ever la...heh heh. must be more cultured now!

a much happier buckaroo
Caleb!!!

feeling low and emo

2006-09-05T23:58:00.000+10:00

i hate it when i lose my keys and look like a damn fool in front of others. i hate it when i'm feeling stressed and being unable to facade my negative feelings. i hate it when the damn pagaent organisers screw up everything and treat us performers like dirt-S***!~! i hate it when people dont take control of their situations, and i find that i'm no different. i hate it when i'm feeling down, spreading my emotions to people close to me. i hate it when i'm overwhelmed and show a tear or two to people around me. i hate it when my close friends see my emotional weakness, when i cant control my feelings. i hate it when i'm emotionally down, and have to show my vunerability to them. i hate it when the friends whom i TRULY LOVE gets harassed by some people. i hate it when my close friends are hurt, and i cant do anything bout it. i hate to see my close friends break down, cos i sometimes feel helpless being unable to help them. i hate it when i cant help them, that it affects me so much i become on the verge of tears. i hate it when i think all day, n still be unable to get productive with my essay. i hate it when i left my watch at Supper Inn. i hate being looked downed upon by other people. i hate the feeling of being lost, not knowing what to do. i hate it tt i am unable to focus on my work, procrastinating and suddenly realising tt i have not enough time to do it. i hate it when people dun give a damn bout wat i say, thinking wat they say is of a higher wavelength. i hate it that i'm yearning for a love that wont work out.

in fact, i hate people who match the above comments, and i hate it that they all suit me right now. WORST OF ALL, i hate it that it all happened in just the past 3 days...
F*** TO EVERYTHING AND MYSELF!@!

a very depressed buckaroo.......................

BREASTS, BREASTS, BREASTS!!!

2006-08-31T00:08:00.000+10:00

erm...ok guys, if ure excited i'll be worried for u (COS IT'S MY BREASTS I'M TALKING BOUT!!!!)

argh!!!!! rani bruised it today during squash man. i was reading his shot. knew he was gonna hit the shot along the wall. so i ran across him and his stupid $120 racket smashed against my beautiful, priceless, right breast! DAMMIT! it's purple now. such a weird area man. at least he whacked the fattest area of my body! hahahaa....it's gonna REALLY hurt tml. was gonna put up a photo of it, but tot it'll be a tad bit disturbing. hahaha

choreo mid-review was fantastic!! really forgot bout work for once...sigh! how rare! and su lynn dear, remember to stop sticking ur tongue out everytime u make an invisible error, yah? hahaha, very cute though!

cheerios to everyone, have fun, and it's back to study again
(KAPUT!)

Caleb le Buckaroo

BABY JESS!!!...and reality..

2006-08-30T01:05:00.000+10:00

i really miss my 9month 4day-old niece. cant believe she has done most of her growing so far while i'm thousands of miles away! she's so adorable now..jus wanna squeeze her cheeks! was webcamming my family on monday night. was great to see them all fine and dandy. but was really more excited to see the special addition to our family. a few days back, my sister went into baby jess's room and saw her trying hard to stand up. how cool is tt!!??? she was clinging on tightly to the rim of her cot. one of those kodak moments...but yea, she's pretty big. haha. my little char siew bao!
I've finally finished tt damned CS essay tt was bugging me silly. so glad i've managed to put it aside...so tt i can start on a new one the next day...ARGH!!!! it never stops! the next one is a freaking 50% and involves loadsa research man. and loadsa dance this week is not helping much. really excited bout my first formal gig this sunday. it's basically dance routines from GREASE for a MS UNI PAGEANT. heard it's gonna be filmed too. but when i saw the contestants today, i was bitterly disappointed man...sigh. sure the uni could have done better yah? they were really ugly and stiff and looked like spoilt little chinese brat-gals. i was like...WTH!???? kel and i were filled with great hope, but were left flabberghasted. oh, and we managed to pick out 10 Flare gals from 5 random photos in my mac who could beat them hands down. Flare-gals, U ALL ROCK!!! WOOHOO!!! oh, and apparently, there's one horse-faced male contestant taking part in the MR UNI PAGEANT. but i heard it was cancelled. so wondered why he was practicing the routines with the gals. cant believe ppl actually pay $80 for a 3-course meal and seeing the pagaent.

oh, apparently...it's really easy to enter the pagaent man. all u need to do is to fill out the application form, and u're in. sheesh!!! how sad tt some cursed-faced ppl are still in denial. u noe, i was talking to some of the flarians bout it, and we all figured tt i could fill my name as CABELLA LOW, I'M TALL, SLIM AND I'M IN MY EARLY TWENTIES. I CAN SING, DANCE, ACT AND I LIKE SPORTS TOO. how to not be hot favourite, u tell me? hahaha. (ok, i'll stop being so mean...have to realise tt these ppl actually do have the courage to sign for a pagaent. but seriously, do they own a mirr...ok, i'll stop!!!)

right now, i jus want things to get back to normal, to the way things were during flarecamp days. cant bear to see ppl whom i love and care bout feel hurt. they can share their probs with me, but sometimes i feel at a loss on wat to say. essays then didnt seem to be bothering me, i could commit an extra time or two to dance and other activities. had time with frens outside flare, had not a single worry then. n now as i look back, where the hell has all the time gone? it was *SWOOSH* and it's 6 weeks ltr. cant remember last sem being this fast. on the bright side, it also feels like dec is approaching, which means...HOME SINGAPORE!!! but back to reality, i jus want this week to be over so i can commit a lot more to study next week...sigh!

a very low and monotonous cheerios
caleb le buckaroo

random tot

2006-08-27T21:08:00.000+10:00

oh and seriously, wat's e whole deal bout pluto not being a planet anymore? do astrologers pass a bill stating wat r the pre-requisites for a piece of rock in space to be a planet??? silly ppl with BIG EGOS who think they noe so much.!!!

pressure amounting first time since early april

2006-08-27T20:14:00.000+10:00

it's been a long and tiring weekend man. so much has happened, so much, cept for work, has been achieved. more flare commitments AGAIN...dun get me wrong, it's therapeutic. but i really shld be putting a lot more effort into sch work. havent felt stressed since last april and now when i look at my deadlines, it's really coming back to me. was supposed to finish my Cultural Studies essay on friday, but i only started writing TODAY. tried to squeeze in work during the weekend, but...yea. hahah. no one studies at a stayover yah? man, t'was only this morn tt i suddenly felt the pressure of work man. argh!!! at least i managed to go to ballieu, and some much needed grocery shopping. i really need to focus. need to narrow down my commitments already, i've already missed church last week cos of flare and missed it today cos i was too tired from flare. n i'll prob miss next week cos of flare again. bad, Bad, BAD!!! next week will be a bad week cos of the uni gig prac! not looking forward to it as much now anymore...sigh! cant believe it. workload is down 50% compared to last sem and i'm struggling more now.

on the bright side, loved the weekend. the whole gang crashed bud and rani's place on fri. must compliment tt rani makes REALLY GOOD seafood laksa! YUM! up all nite being crazy and printing hoodies (it was SO COOL!!) good to find a place of mass insanity to be in. we did "art n craft" till 5am then knocked out. although some of us were kept awake by 'someone' (joon, jo...this'll be our lil secret, yah?). it was really funny when shar arrived at 1130, while we were still zombified. she looked really fresh and went to the kitchen to make dough for pizza. she looked like mom who would lovingly make us breakfast while we kids were still fast asleep haha.. but had to leave early for prac with suzanne! of cos, the fun had not end yet. went to jo jo's place at nite (very pretty lil apartment) to finish off the hoodies, and sang along with almost every disney song tt existed tt was playing thru jo's ipod. so nostalgic.
THANKS FLARIANS for making my life so much more lively. luv u guys (despite u guys still calling me gay :( )

on an end note, this post was not a procrastination from work. m having my scrumptious dinner now and tot i'll jus update my precious blog at the same time. haha...m finishing my dinner already, so soon it'll be back to reality and dun think i'll be sleeping early tonite.

ps: note tt i do sound more sane this time cos i'm writing it at a more sane hour. cheerios my amigos!

Caleb le Buckaroo!!!

e beginning of the end of a tiring week!

2006-08-25T02:29:00.000+10:00

Hey one and all,
this is the alpha blog, the blog of all blogs, the first of many more to come. can u actually believe i took this freaking long to start up a blog? for god's sake, i'm 20!!! seriously, i nv took interest in these stuff (still dont, but dun ask me y i'm still doin it). late last yr in 05, i told this church fren, a 12yr old gal, that i dont blog. she gasped, "U DONT BLOG!!???!!?!??!!!", almost pitying me to the core as one would when he sees an old lady trying really hard to cross the road, but could nv reach in time b4 the green man turns red.

so much for tt, huh? well jus came back from work bout 2hrs ago. it was a good night cos this bloody south italian chef, with whom i share a mutual hate, was up north in sydney. so was working with nice ppl today and we kicked ass man!! i'm supposed to be doin my essay now, but i'm always finding a 'reason' to procrastinate..so much so tt i have to start a blog jus so tt i can put off work till ltr. well, focus!!! tt's wat ppl say, but hey, i'm living up to the name of an ARTS student. still cant believe tt earlier this yr, my 3rd yr med housemate told me to get a life!! so EMIL, look at me now, it's a whole new me baby!

oh and there's this thing bout gals calling me their sister. ppl in flaredance, CCM, u name it...wat on earth is wrong with these ppl??!?!?!?? wonder how their therapy is coming along. fine, i grew up with 2 sisters. so tt's gonna be my excuse. nice ppl call me metro-sexual. the means ones are jus more direct with the word "GAY"! yes, i'm a happy boy, but NOT to tt extent! so listen, i'm still very much straight. straight as a chopstick hor! if u notice the crapiness of this alpha blog, notice the time it was posted. forgive me, i'm very tired!

speaking of dance, love it loads man. thanks Am, Lees, Ness, Bud, Su Lynn, Cindy, Kel, Lisa, Roz, Suz...and of cos many more. it's too late to crack my brain to think of more! u guys have been the saviour of my lowlife, boring soul tt prompted my housemate to say, "go get a life". with Ms Uni GIG and production coming up, i say we KICK ASS AND KICK IT HARD!!!

yeah, have gotten a lot outta my system already. hahaa. cant believe someone who couldnt give a damn bout blogs could write so much. i'm usually more ''gay'' (dun mind the pun, and pls dun get the wrong idea)..heh heh.

cheers ppl,
Caleb le Buckaroo