Soaring to WHO i want to be

Who am i? That is the age old question pondered upon by earth's greatest sages.

We are what others make us out to be. Yet, we are what we choose. Who we are comes in a form of a tree bark. We all start from the same state, until we are presented with undulating branches of choice. We choose one branch; that branch grows into another set of undulating branches of choice. We make another choice...and so on. We seemingly have all the power in the world to choose what we want to be. But at the same time, we have external circumstances (The SUN) affecting the DIRECTION in which the branches grow. And then, there is the WINTER which stops growth, thus leaving us without any choice at times.

We are trapped, suffocated, and claustrophobic. Our minds spin like windmills, as we try to be "NORMAL" in society. We gladly accept being placed in a dark tunnel. We try to run as fast as we can, hoping the light at the end gets bigger. But no, the light never gets bigger. It becomes an illusion, a hope, an excuse to justify our never-ending struggle. We fail to sit down and appreciate. To appreciate the simplest things in life...


Looking around me, then into a mirror, this is who I think i am. Or rather, this is who I KNOW I am...

I am not a writer, I am not an artist. These are strong passions within me that i could make a career out of. But my career doesn't define who I am. My career will NOT define who I am. In the words of an unknown novelist: Would my career mean anything if I get cancer the next day? A perfect resume is for someone who needs some light while trapped in darkness. But for me, I try to perfect not a resume for work, but a resume for LIFE. This is who I am...

Maybe I am a writer, and maybe i am an artist. But I also am a son, I am a brother, and I am a friend. For what am I without my parents? I'd be a lost child, insecure in his lack of confidence. For what am I without my sisters? I'd be stuck in a falsified interpretation of masculinity. For what am I without my friends? I'd be incapable of love, I'd be incapable of trust. I am a live-er of life; I choose to accept the negative, and I choose to confront them too. I choose to break down and have a good cry, and then I choose to stand tall after. I try my best to love and I struggle with the strongholds of anger. I am a wrestler, who wrestles with his emotions, to learn to forgive. I choose to continue to love, despite being heartbroken time and again. Lastly, I am a person, a physical being unique in my own strengths and weaknesses. Take a look at me through a scope and this is what you'll see. This is me...

This is Caleb.

a heart of turmoil

The joylessness of life concaves in,
What has meaning anymore?
This nagging burden inside of me,
it chews at me mercilessly all in one snap of its jaws.
How temporal the state of human emotions.
Shld i then place my hope in Joy if
all it takes is one split second to dent it?
My heart is zombified, exhausted, wasted,
Yet guilty tt i shld think my issues much worse than others.
The vow i made to you, oh God
is coming to an end as i soon turn 21.
You have taught me much bout love
and now as i prepare my heart to give it,
i still want to submit it to You though!
Shld i only accept the good You have prepared for me?
Am i not able to accept the bad too?
like i said, all it took was one split second
to crush my joy and dampen my soul.
throw in the lack of social contact this week
and pure cognitive exhaustion, Lord how much more can i take?
Everything feels low, shallow
and a thousand needles pierce thru my heart.
But i still want to remain joyful in the midst of my distress
i want to continue to praise You in my sorrow
Set my heart right b4 you, Oh Lord
and leave this thorn in me so i can realise that
Your Grace Is Sufficient For Me.
amen...

burning and fading out...
Cal le buckaroo...sigh

Natalia Barbu - Eurovision 07 contestant

yea yea, i happened to be watching the Eurovision singing contest. doesnt sound very cool. but hey, whenever there's damn good singing with damn good dancing, i'm a sucker for it.

for a guy who prefers male vocals and hates rock, she must be REALLY DAMN GOOD for me to like her. amazing voice esp when i watched it live. very comparable to evanecense, but i would say evanecense is a litte better. anyway, watch and be amazed

cheers
cal le buckaroo

An overdue tribute

So now as we end the first half of a new yr, i look back and see all the good things that have come my way. A different yr from last yr, and the yr b4 AND the yr b4. As some may come to know, i was merely existing meaninglessly, then came a thunderous breakthrough, followed by a rocky uphill road of recovery. For i had been hurt beyond recognition, cognitively damaged, souless. Angry at the one who created me uniquely, rejecting this relationship that didnt seem to make sense in any way. wat was love? it was impossible to understand it thru suffering. all i understood was suffering, pain, self-reliance and anger. yet, as i look back at 3 gruelling yrs, all i can and shall proclaim is, 'Glory!' For you have said, "Shhh, hush my child, My grace is sufficient for you."

looking back, everything now starts to make sense. for without suffering, compassion would be meaningless. for without pain, empathy would hold no substance. for without egoism, humility cant be appreciated. for without the bitterness of anger, love would NEVER taste as sweet.

'fallacy' would be to denounce all this yr's blessing as coincidence. For it's paradoxical that coincidence shld happen so often. From a spiritual rejuvenation from OCF orientation, to providence of shelter while homeless for 1 month, to being provided with a fantastic permanent place 1 month later, to being blessed with Vinh as a hsemate(truly!), to being challenged to love others, to have LEARNT ways to express love, to be given solid opportunities in dance, acting, singing and keyboards as acts of service (all of which my passion lies), and most impt, to have rediscovered the yearning for solid bible teaching.

my spirit lies at ease, with joy that overfloweth. and a heart the dances ever so freely with each pirouette or jetes. the memories of the past 3 yrs would remain in me forever, not as hurt that taints ones' spiritual window, but as a testimony that would make the weak say their strong, and the poor say their rich. as a reminder of His goodness to me, for His strength can only be PERFECT in my weakness. And for the first time in my life, the hymn 'AMAZING GRACE' truly made sense to me.

psalm 29--- For God, your voice had twisted me and striped me bare! And in reverence and humility, i cry 'GLORY'!

Cal le buckaroo

the wonders of retail therapy

Today was such a beautiful day. the weather cool, the clouds calm, the breeze flowing against my face...everything was perfect. wat better way to rejoice in it than by retail teraphying with my new-found best shopping buddy, Vee??? went to chadstone (first time in my life, i'm deprived, i noe). have shopped for any clothes since last june (deprived, i noe). so when i reachd the shopping centre, i jus couldnt help gleaming! ahhhhhh..i wanna go again. Thanks to vee, i've stopped gg to shopes like country rd, esprit, fcuk and all those capitalistic-based over-priced shops. MAN!!! nv tot i'd have bought so much with spending jus under $200.!!!

hello leng lui...can i be ur fren?


EH, WAT???? u talking to me ah?


Wah!!! so fierce...


ok la...i'll try to be nice


(dun u jus love this pic? cant help laughing everytime i look at it)

yea yea...we were cam-whoring for a bit too (come on!! who doesnt?) tt was when we were at Nandos...my virgin experience (yea yea...i'm one poor deprived child, i noe!) gotta admit. the lemon herb chicken was pretty well marinated. i was expecting lousy chips and badly defrosted chicken, but was pleasantly surprised. anyway...these are the catch of the day


new shirt...new sweater... new scarf


vee chose the colour of the dark blue shirt, argued over the white one...

argued over the yellow one (we argued alot..heh heh), the long sleeve was a handsdown. unanimous decision!!!

was convinced to get a size 28 (WTH!!!!!) i'm usually a size 30, but 28 did fit me better though.

And of cos, at the end of the day, MORE cam-whoring in the bus...






tt ended a really fantastic day. of cos, next came OCF meeting at the Cross Culture COC convention talk. Micheal Raither is by far the best theological speaker i've heard in my life. sermons are very sound (ppl close to me know how conservative and discerning whenever i hear new speakers speak.) he spoke last sunday and was in awe of his loyalty to the bible. so was definitely lookikng forward to it again today and was not disappointed. will be gg for his talk bout this best-seller book he wrote tml and of cos both his sermons at 1115am and 6pm on sunday. so, it's really gonna be a good weekend ahead. choir prac tml as well as Amabel's 2nd Bdae (the non-surprise one) at nite. ahH!!!! been blessed with such wonderfully diversed frens this yr. Lord has been really good since i decided tt my old ways had to change. kkz then. havent put so much effort into my blog for ages...hope this keeps u guys happy (for the time being..heh heh)

Woohoo!!!
cal le buckaroo

ps: Mandi, sorry...our planned shopping trip would have to wait then. heh heh. we'll definitely do it when u come to SG during the winter yea???

save the last dance...

Sometimes i wonder if everything is in my own hands
Lord, what have u in store for me, to dance or not to dance?
The disappointments in life are sometimes hard to bear
When expectations that are met are either over there, or NOWHERE!
Am I able to improve with what I have now?
Am i able to try?
Or should I care not a heck, and continue living this lie?
The encouragements I have received are far and beyond,
But when it came to when it mattered, they were all gone.
I kinda wish the souls around me were better with ears,
Many times i've stoned in bed, laying bare my tears.
But who ever hears, and who ever notices?
The nostalgic bonds i have made from last year,
Some are now stale, a number now in SHATTERS!
OH WHY! Why this change in me this year?
My stronger PASSION for dance doesnt seem to bring me closer.
Could it be genre? Could it be style?
And also, have I been dancing awfully all this while?
The question remains on where my heart lies:

It's the heart, afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream, afraid of waking
That never takes the chance
It's the one, who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give.
And it's the soul, afraid of dying
That never learns to live...

And as I end of these poetic lines,
A tear trickles from my eye.
Guide me Lord, oh Guide me
To dance or not to dance...

sigh...
cal le buckaroo...

F*** IT!!! it's no use explaining!!!

wat the hell is wrong with the two of u??? ever since i joined dance, i had NV heard a word of approval from the two of u. sure, during family gatherings, u always tell relatives how i'm so involved in dance and stuff...but it's a freaking hell of a diff story during conversations back home!

jus how many times do the 2 of u have to associate homosexuality with dance? how many times do u have to bring it up almost immediately after i bring dance in our conversations? how many time do u need to keep denying tt u associate homosexuality with dance? i'm bloody pissed bout it and this has REALLY gotta STOP!!! F*** IT...

i was jus trying to build on our conversation in the car, so i decided to share bout my dance class yest. and i told u guys tt the choreographer told me tt i shld stretch more to improve my flexibility. and pretty much similar to the last dance conversation in the car, dad, u said, "aiya, dun need to be too flexible la. cos when u're too flexible, u'll start to walk a bit sissy-ish".

tt was when i decided to tell the two of u how it really hurts me when u quickly talk bout homosexualism everytime i talk about dance. and tt it is a major conversation killer. i mean, wat's the freaking connection btwn flexibility and walking sissy-ish??? then the 2 of u got really defensive and started trying to convince me tt u jus mentioned NOTHING bout homosexualism...trying to convince me tt wat u really meant was being flexible would make one walk more femininely and less masculinely. i argued tt gymnasts, IN NO WAY, walk in a feminine manner. then u said tt "gymnasts are totally different". i argued back "but u JUST associated flexibility with being sissy!!!" and when u argued back "no, i did not associate flexibility with being sissy" (pls refer to previous paragraph, last line.)WTH!!! the whole argument last bout 3 mins in the car.

it was obvious my parents were caught contradicting their own words, but did not want to accept the fact they were wrong. jus like u understand tt homosexuality is a lifestyle, NOT an action, but in my case, u're willing to make an exception. i starting tearing up after the conversation cos i was very deeply hurt by their unncessary connotative comments. it jus hurt so badly...and i felt it really ironic cos dad and i were talking to my uncle and my cousin bout dance. my uncle aunt and cousin go for salsa classes and stuff, so we were talking bout dance. and the way dad was involved in the conversation seemed as if he had grown to accept dance. but now, i'm jus really disappointed in him....

sigh
cal le buckaroo

jus RADO and me.

HEY PPL!!!

it's been such a great day today. ahhaha, well...was boring initially, jum bumming ard at home all day. then at night, went with mom and dad to vivo to buy me an advance 21st BDAE PRESENT!!! a simply gorgeous RADO watch. when i saw the rado ad on tv many many months ago, i knew tt was the kind of watch i wanted to have. was gonna look for a tag huer initially (family tradition), but couldnt find a *WOW* factor. plus i didnt want to buy a watch i didnt really like jus for the sake of buying one. so proud of my buy. elegant, classy and stylish!!!






so happy..ahhhhhh,
cal le buckaroo!!!

.....

ahhh...feeling a lot better now. guess i really needed some place to jus blurt it all out!

but had my freaking wisdom tooth extracted out man this afternoon man. wat's worse, i'm allergic to painkillers, so i jus have to bear with the pain. have been having really sharp headaches, damn annoying la!!! the surgery for jus one tooth took 1hr 15min already. very stubborn tooth, dentist had a tough time. cant talk much for now, hungry, but unable to eat much (living off milo atm) and i forsee a bad fever tml..( common symptom after extraction)...sheesh. can it get any worse?

ouch...
cal le buckaroo

everything's ALL F-ED UP!!!

havent been blogging for like the longest time ever, but dun expect this to be some ya-ya update. jus bloody pissed with a lot of things right now, where else to let it all out????

AARARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

TT bloody stupid idiot sister of mine, ms debbie "devil" low, has been freaking taking the PISS!!! first night, took my aircon control without asking and returning...nv mind. 2nd night, took my aircon control without asking and returning, nv mind... next afternoon, she took my aircon control without asking and returning. so as we were bout to leave for grandma's house for dinner, i knocked on her door to ask for it back cos i needed to turn off my aircon. of cos i was upset tt she had kept on taking it despite me telling her to put it back the first two times. i became pissed this time, but still told her in a rather patient voice," hey, can u PLS return it after u use it or not???" then she got the fucking bloody nerve to retort under her breath, "as if u're any better (or smth along tt lines)". WTFFFFFFFFFF!!!!! how dare she take my stuff, be NOT apologetic and piss dare to retort??as i stormed back into my room, i shouted, " Dun be such an ASS!!!" and she still got the nerve to shout back, "oi! can u stop saying tt? it's bloody rude ok???" erm... excuse me, u? telling me i'm rude? then we got into a big argument in front of mom and dad (but they did nothing..) and she ended up crying and told mom and dad tt's she not gg for dinner at grandma's anymore. it felt damn good when dad told her firmly tt she WAS still gg to grandma's.

this bloody sister of mine has been running me down since i was 10+ till now. jus kept snapping at me, belittling me. wateva i did was wrong in her eyes. it really HINDERED my maturity a lot. i didnt argue back, i didnt noe how to...there i was, a young kid always trying to play into her good books, but she always treated me like SHIT, as if she hated my presence. have nv been close to her in my life. Thank God for dai kah jie!!! her love for me really lifted me up. debbie low, if YOU are reading this, i'm warning you!!! i'm not tt little kid who needs ur approval anymore. i'm not the little kid to be pushed ard. i'm not the little kid who allowed himself to be belittled anymore. if you dare cross the line like u did 2 mondays ago, i WILL strike back till u cry again. i'm 21 this yr already and i'm big enuf to stand up for myself. no longer will i shout back cos i'm angry, i'll play the psychhological game with u. YOU'D better get used to this! it's for ur own DAMN good. YOU HEAR TT?????

(we have not been talking since tt incident 2 mondays ago. not like i care anyway!)

parents have hurt me REAL deep the past week too. it's like, they really disapprove my involvement in dance. it's become a big part of my life now and it's an area i really want to improve in as a life skill. but everytime i bring up dance to build up our conversations, u always have to bring in the gay issue?? u really think i'd turn gay isiT?? and it's such a major conversation killer! mom, it really hurt me when u very directly implied tt to me. i so very wanted to shout in ur face when u said tt, but by the grace of God, i controlled myself. u even randomly qouted the bible saying, "it's those who think themselves strong tt will be the first to fall." mom, how dare u even think of the idea tt ur son will turn gay jus cos he dances? i'm doin jazz, although the moves may seem a bit feminine to a person who doesnt appreciate it, it's a historical artform and it's part of the style of dance. i dun move like tt becos i'm gay, i move like tt cos tt's how the style has developed over centuries! so why are u teaching? there are many homosexuals in education nowadays. dad, why are u playing golf? homosexuals play golf too! if u think wat i jus said was outta context, tt's EXACTLY how i feel too. and dad, i really am not pleased how you responded when i was sharing my day at dance class, while in the car with you. i jus said tt the dance instructor was called 'caleb' too, then u had to immediately answer (whether jokingly or not)," um hmm...i bet he's gay". i really felt like crying. DAD!!! it's more likely that he's a CHRISTIAN. how can u make random comments like tt??? homosexuality is NOT an action. it's a LIFESTYLE!!! i'm sure u know tt too. but u dun want to admit it in front of me so tt it'll support ur stand tt u think i'll turn gay! y so hypocritical?

i'm really really close to tears as i continue writing this post...wat is my family coming too? i jus feel tt i've no one to turn too anymore...really hope to get back to melb real soon. tt's where all my real frens are...ppl who understand

sigh...
cal le buckaroo.....