a heart of turmoil

The joylessness of life concaves in,
What has meaning anymore?
This nagging burden inside of me,
it chews at me mercilessly all in one snap of its jaws.
How temporal the state of human emotions.
Shld i then place my hope in Joy if
all it takes is one split second to dent it?
My heart is zombified, exhausted, wasted,
Yet guilty tt i shld think my issues much worse than others.
The vow i made to you, oh God
is coming to an end as i soon turn 21.
You have taught me much bout love
and now as i prepare my heart to give it,
i still want to submit it to You though!
Shld i only accept the good You have prepared for me?
Am i not able to accept the bad too?
like i said, all it took was one split second
to crush my joy and dampen my soul.
throw in the lack of social contact this week
and pure cognitive exhaustion, Lord how much more can i take?
Everything feels low, shallow
and a thousand needles pierce thru my heart.
But i still want to remain joyful in the midst of my distress
i want to continue to praise You in my sorrow
Set my heart right b4 you, Oh Lord
and leave this thorn in me so i can realise that
Your Grace Is Sufficient For Me.
amen...

burning and fading out...
Cal le buckaroo...sigh

Natalia Barbu - Eurovision 07 contestant

yea yea, i happened to be watching the Eurovision singing contest. doesnt sound very cool. but hey, whenever there's damn good singing with damn good dancing, i'm a sucker for it.

for a guy who prefers male vocals and hates rock, she must be REALLY DAMN GOOD for me to like her. amazing voice esp when i watched it live. very comparable to evanecense, but i would say evanecense is a litte better. anyway, watch and be amazed

cheers
cal le buckaroo

An overdue tribute

So now as we end the first half of a new yr, i look back and see all the good things that have come my way. A different yr from last yr, and the yr b4 AND the yr b4. As some may come to know, i was merely existing meaninglessly, then came a thunderous breakthrough, followed by a rocky uphill road of recovery. For i had been hurt beyond recognition, cognitively damaged, souless. Angry at the one who created me uniquely, rejecting this relationship that didnt seem to make sense in any way. wat was love? it was impossible to understand it thru suffering. all i understood was suffering, pain, self-reliance and anger. yet, as i look back at 3 gruelling yrs, all i can and shall proclaim is, 'Glory!' For you have said, "Shhh, hush my child, My grace is sufficient for you."

looking back, everything now starts to make sense. for without suffering, compassion would be meaningless. for without pain, empathy would hold no substance. for without egoism, humility cant be appreciated. for without the bitterness of anger, love would NEVER taste as sweet.

'fallacy' would be to denounce all this yr's blessing as coincidence. For it's paradoxical that coincidence shld happen so often. From a spiritual rejuvenation from OCF orientation, to providence of shelter while homeless for 1 month, to being provided with a fantastic permanent place 1 month later, to being blessed with Vinh as a hsemate(truly!), to being challenged to love others, to have LEARNT ways to express love, to be given solid opportunities in dance, acting, singing and keyboards as acts of service (all of which my passion lies), and most impt, to have rediscovered the yearning for solid bible teaching.

my spirit lies at ease, with joy that overfloweth. and a heart the dances ever so freely with each pirouette or jetes. the memories of the past 3 yrs would remain in me forever, not as hurt that taints ones' spiritual window, but as a testimony that would make the weak say their strong, and the poor say their rich. as a reminder of His goodness to me, for His strength can only be PERFECT in my weakness. And for the first time in my life, the hymn 'AMAZING GRACE' truly made sense to me.

psalm 29--- For God, your voice had twisted me and striped me bare! And in reverence and humility, i cry 'GLORY'!

Cal le buckaroo